Chapter 14 in R.M. Dolin’s novel “The Dangling Conversation“, June 7, 2023.
KYLE: “No surprise your sore, it was awfully apparent ten miles in you’re not in shape; no danger of doing centuries anytime soon that’s for sure. You liked my little grocery store though right, peaches in the “Damaged Goods” bin justify the ride. If ya keep at it, they get more comfortable and while probably hard to believe, even enjoyable. It’s not that I’m not sore, you just get used to it and after a while focus less on downsides; kind of a metaphor for life really, we suffer all kinds of shit while convincing ourselves it’s all good. Mark that down as another pearl of wisdom.
“I had this floppy-eared Lab a few years back, Max, doubt he ever woke up, “not feeling it,” that dog was perpetually in a good mood. It’s contagious too, you can’t be around him and his exuberant energy without being happy. He has this motivational coach way of looking at you that says, “Come on man! Get your shit together. Life’s too short to be doling out attitude.” Then he drops a grimy tennis ball at your feet in a way that’s clear he’s not relenting until it’s tossed at least a dozen more times.
“Just so ya know, we only rode twenty miles out and back, not enough to even break a sweat; when not in shape anyway, though it can seem intense. A month from now you’ll be cruising over to our grocery story just to grab a peach.”
ISABELLE: “Not sure that’s happening until we have a serious talk about seats. Why can’t they make one that doesn’t hurt? Either the designers have never ridden twenty miles or they’re sadistic little shits. I’ll down for another ride, but only after I can sit normal again. Regarding what we discussed, I forgave Henry’s whole “I Love You,” nonsense, but it backfired as you predicted, now he doesn’t say anything tender. Can’t really blame him but it’d be nice. The closest he gets is saying he’s never been happier. I feel the same, but we’re nonetheless in this strange pickle, I mean what happens after the honeymoon phase and we’re left to deal with a real adult relationship? Henry’s reliably steady, which makes him a good bet long term. Sometimes, when I’m being erratic, he calmly smiles and says he understands. What the hell does that even mean? I’m not some nut job needing the white-glove treatment. I’ll admit to not handling the whole “I Love You,” thing well, but enough already, walking around on pins and needles isn’t helping either of us.
“I tell him he makes me happy, in fact, I’ve never been more comfortable or appreciated with anyone, so I need to cut him some slack. When I analyze the this and that’s of it all, I agree with you; I may have moved on from my Ex and found ways to be happy, but I’m still anchored to my past and that’s a whole lot of baggage to float through the murky waters of life.”
KYLE: “Olivia still lingers in my heart like a cauldron of confused chaos; on a bad day it caustic while good days allow cautious optimism. There’s no going back of course, but even my feelings for Maggie have their moments. On top of that, my troubles with the government quietly oscillate like a descending pendulum where every tick causes me to worry being discredited isn’t enough to satiate the rat bastards; they won’t be satisfied until I’m dead or imprisoned. Against the backdrop of all that though, I’ve never been happier than I am with Nadia. She makes my world small, as if all that matters is her and I occupying the same small space. You can only have so much taken before nothing matters more than a lover’s tender touch.
”After my unannounced trip to Versailles things between us really take off. I’m not gonna lie, there are challenges with me living here and her in France, and all the complexities that come with that. We do find ways to make it work though, for example, her dad fought against the French during the Algerian war for independence and wound up a POW. Afterwards, he opens an immigrant hotel/restaurant in the working-class part of Paris while his family remains in Algiers; Nadia grew up with her parents apart for extended periods of time, so she’s used to it being quasi-normal. I go to Paris every six weeks or so to ensure we stay connected, but to be honest, it’s not really relationship building; more like treading water, waiting for the time we’re forever together.
“There’s solace in talking about a shared future; like our plan to buy a rundown millstone house. What’s cool is the way our individual desires mesh; makes it easy for each of us to have what we want. My only real criteria is that the house be in the country, or at least on the edge of town, and biking distance to a train station, which in France is pretty much any house. Nadia’s main requirement is a large fireplace she can sit beside at night and a courtyard with fruit trees beside a garden, which pretty much describes every millstone house ever built. We start out looking in Normandy and Calvados but expand our search to central France. Each time I visit, Nadia plans amazing excursions into the country; sometimes we go to the coast and walk for hours along the beach before eating fresh mussels at a seaside cafe. Other times we cycle through some forest to picnic beside a stream or to tour an old castle. The absolute best way to experience all the wonders and charms of France, is to find a French woman to be your guide. We visit landmarks where famous artist did iconic works, where important pieces of literature were created, or museums filled with the powerful essence of France and what it means to be French.
“I only stay the week her kids are with their dad because Nadia lives in fear her Ex finds out she’s dating or her kids who don’t forgive her for the divorce finds out she’s moving on. All this drama causes a strain that loiters just below the surface, hidden in the distance separating our time together. I see it of course, just mostly choose to ignore the consequences. After all I’ve been through, I ought to know better; the thing is though, Nadia’s charm is causing you to caveat around caution. It’s like the old diesel pickup I keep at my cabin; it’s beat to hell and anything but pretty, yet she starts like a charm; so I never have to worry. I’m willing to turn all the reasons we can’t last over to even a chance it all works out. Cynics can call me a fool I don’t care; I courageously carry that banner.
“Nadia’s got a hard to describe presence, she quiets my soul and puts my heart at peace; it’s like being fully satisfied after dinner with no need for dessert. I never stop seeing magic in her eyes or wanting to do anything to make her smile because when she smiles Isabelle, it’s proof there’s a God. I know I’m talking nonsense, but it’s true so I don’t care. And on top of that, she cooks the most amazing meals, stuff I’ve never heard of or even imagined, we’re talking gourmet French cuisine; and the cutest damn thing is that each gastronomic delight is accompanied with a sorrowful apology for being a such a disaster.”
ISABELLE: “Sometimes I cook for Henry, or more precisely, try to. He kindly consumes every morsel while providing subtle statements out how his mom makes it different. I’m not offended mind you and don’t compete, but it leaves me feeling like I’m chasing a ghost. He keeps saying he’s going to introduce me, but never does. To be honest I’m not sure I’m ready, it means something when a boy brings his girl home to meet mom and I certainly can’t judge, I haven’t even mentioned him to dad who thinks I need more time to center myself. I can’t disagree with dad and it’s not like I was out there hunting for Henry, it’s more like we stumbled upon each other.
“I can’t love unafraid like you, call it fault prevention or protective measures, but it is what it is. Fool me once, shame on you, right? A girl’s gotta come at this different from men and it makes us cautious, at least I don’t think it’s a matter of just me. Henry says love is war and in war there’s winners and losers but regardless, both sides get bloodied. It seems like a brutal way to describe something that’s supposed to be beautiful, but I get his point; he’s saying love is win-win until it’s lose-lose and there’s nothing in between. I don’t want to believe it’s that binary, but life hasn’t revealed any other dimensions to date.”
KYLE: “Across the street and up a few blocks from Nadia’s apartment is an amazing forest where we take long walks in the evening. There’s so many trails zigzagging all over we seldom find the same path twice. Nadia’s easily disorientated so I play this game of asking her every now and then for the direction home; she never knows, even when it’s fifty-fifty she somehow guesses wrong. Below her apartment maybe half-a-mile away are equestrian stables that have a forested hill out back chalked full of riding trails. We sometimes hike there just to sit on top looking down at Versailles as the sun sets over the palace’s golden domes. We can sit there for hours, sometimes without saying a word, just holding hands and taking in nature; I like it best when she lays her head on my shoulder and lets her breathing sync with mine.
“The forest is one of the few places she loves unafraid. We hold hands, embrace warmly, even kiss when the moment’s right; stuff she won’t do in public. She never says anything tender though, doesn’t say she needs me, won’t say she loves me, not once during all the years we’ve been a part of each other’s lives. She’s a bit strange when it comes to romance; maybe because she’s French I have an unfair expectation of how things should be, but then again, she’s not really French so that’s probably not the deal.
“After I did her dirty twenty odd years ago by stupidly and abruptly ending our relationship, she and her sister post profiles on a dating site and they each marry the first man who responds. I don’t know how long they date but don’t think it’s long. Her sister is still happily married even though her guy’s difficult to warm up to; luck of the draw I suppose. Nadia realizes early on she’s made a mistake and that makes her cautious about us, even after all our history; or because of it if I play the devil’s advocate. I don’t pressure her, even though a little nudge now and then seems necessary. Love has a rhythm you have to respect; yes, I love unafraid and without a safety net but I’m not like most, Nadia’s way more cautious and even though she doesn’t speak of love, everything about her says she does.”
ISABELLE: “Henry talks a lot about love, at least until I shut him down. Now it doesn’t seem possible that spigot can turn back on. What I did is wrong, but like you said, ya gotta respect love’s rhythm, and he was moving too fast for me. I was sure I felt the same as him, but I wasn’t ready to say it. You’re right not to pressure Nadia, when it’s right she’ll be ready. I just wish Henry could understand that.“
KYLE: “Things are going so well between Nadia and me we’ve started working up a plan to introduce me to her kids; nothing elaborate but symbolically huge, even if it takes time to execute. The first part of the plan involves me staying in Versailles a minimum of three weeks during each visit. We’re still working through logistics; given my troubles and her constraints, it’s complicated. Nadia’s kids come to her for a week then leave for a week to be with their dad. For the week her kids are away, I stay in her apartment and we live like any other blissful couple.
“When her kids are with her, I’ll rent a short-term apartment in Paris. It’s only a half-hour metro ride away so even on those weeks we’ll find ways to be together; like having lunch, riding bikes, or taking a walk. We sometimes go to the Palace and picnic in the gardens or cycle around the intricately laid out paths. Most tourists overlook the gardens and acres of forested trails along pristine waterways and open fields of lush grass; it’s the real beauty of Versailles. The hidden gem is Marie Antoinette’s personal residence; a walled off area containing a small castle and a working farm. Nadia’s favorite place in all of Versailles is under a huge blue spruce inside the Antoinette compound; she’ll sit there for hours. Sometimes, on afternoons when no one’s around, she’ll even steal a kiss and lay in my arms while I talk nonsense about nothing.
“Our afternoons at Versailles are nothing short of magical, for one thing, it’s rarely crowded, except on Sunday’s when it seems the whole damn city turns out. It’s a very different vibe than Sunday’s in our park; sure families here come out and picnic but it lacks a sense of casual community. There people sit around talking, reading books, or quietly playing games. Here it’s like some bizarre competition to see who can play the loudest music or cook the most damn food; no one ever just enjoys a quiet glass of wine or relaxing conversation. We’re a country of loud noise and beer and I’m not really sure what that says about us. Sundays at Versailles are pastoral paintings while here it’s rock concerts with tailgating.
“You can cycle around Versailles all afternoon and not cover the entire place; just too many options. One evening, we’re cycling around and stop to rest on the grass along a waterway under a tall oak tree. After awhile we cycle over to the Antoinette residence, but it’s closed. We don’t think much of it and ride over to this villa at the opposite end of the garden where the Prime Minister sometimes stays; only we get stopped by the French police who inform us the park is closed. We ask how to get out but they’re not sure and can’t leave their post because the Prime Minister’s on his way. We circumnavigate the entire garden looking for an exit that’s not locked and meanwhile, it’s starting to get dark and Nadia’s worried we may have to spend the night inside. I boldly reassure her that should it came to that, I’ll scale the tall rock wall to find food and wine; and of course, return with bread and cheese, it is France after all. As her panic mounts, we manage to find a grounds keeper with a key who agrees to let us out after he lectures us about staying after hours or something to that effect, who knows, I don’t speak French.”
ISABELLE: “Henry and I have never have adventures. We’ve gone on hikes or to events, but nothing leaving lasting memories. It’s odd when you think about it, an adventure begins when things go wrong and nothing ever goes wrong, knock on wood. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, even Murray manages to be on his best behavior when we’re out and about. It’s odd though, strangely odd that we’ve been together all these months and not one lasting adventure.”
KYLE: “There’s multiple ways to extend my stays; I can rent an apartment, but that’s pretty pricey in metro Paris. Renting a room in someone’s house has logistical advantages, like having someone to talk to when Nadia’s with her kids; only I don’t speak French, so that’s a bit awkward. I settle on renting gites, which are little houses usually behind someone’s main house. In the Southwest they’re called casitas, or “mother-in-law-houses.” I find a nice one twenty kilometers from Nadia, which is less than an hour by bike. It’s near a forest with lots of trails so bike riding and jogging will be awesome. The place is small but well built, it has a kitchen and living area as one room with a bedroom/bathroom loft; it’s all I really need. The bonus is there’s a courtyard for morning coffee and afternoon happy hour.
“It’s two kilometers to a boulangerie, so an easy walk for baguettes and croissants. The grocery store’s five kilometers out so an easy bike ride. Like I said, the place is perfect and the owner’s a retired engineer, so we have that simpatico. Nadia won’t visit though, says it’s scandalous; not really sure how that works, it’s okay I live at her apartment one week but scandalous to visit me at my apartment the next week? No worries though, our secret rendezvous are just as good on her terms.
“We’ll find ways to be together every day, even if it’s just for café or grocery shopping. We’ll talk for hours with an ease and simplicity that underlays the meaningful things discussed; never politics or religion mind you, more like art and philosophy – and our future together that always involves a house in the country. Not just any house, but the old millstone I told you about. Every time Nadia mentions the fireplace her eyes light up like a kid at Christmas; a fireplace and orchard is all she needs. I like that millstones have incredible stone interiors, with massive, exposed beams on the ceilings and walls that are just spectacular. Plus, millstones are guaranteed to have a stream running alongside the house; think about it, how else can you turn the water wheel that churns the mill stones. I admire the way French country kitchens are a prominent feature in these ancient structures; it captures how life should be lived.”
ISABELLE: “Henry and I talked once about houses but he’s noncommittal, not on the house itself, but the location. Seems he’s not long in any one place and for him houses are an anchor. He argues against home ownership from a financial perspective, you move when you have to, and that can catch you in the crossfire of buying high and selling low, which is not smart money management. I can argue all night from all sorts of angles how that makes no sense, but instead I never bring it up again. Having a house is important to me, I mean yeah, I’m living in an apartment now with stacks of unpacked boxes, but we’ve already covered why. I don’t need a fireplace like Nadia, just time and space to unpack, then I’ll be happy.”
KYLE: “Our plan for introducing me to Nadia’s kids, for integrating into their lives, is simple and based on a convenient extension of fact. Nadia’s got a storage room in the basement of her apartment building she calls her cave, it’s where she stores luggage, seasonal things like Christmas decorations, and bicycles. Her son asks her one day while getting his bike out about the new bike and suitcase in the cave. Nadia, like most moms, is quick on her feet and tells him she’s storing them for a co-worker. I keep a suitcase there of things I don’t necessarily need to be hauling back and forth with each visit, like a power converter, umbrella, cycling clothes and running gear, a sport coat, dress shoes; you get the idea.
“The bike I absolutely love, it’s the exact opposite of what I ride here. It’s a hybrid cross-over; part mountain bike, part commuter. I bought it used at a bike shop outside Versailles; it’s totally urban French with a big cushy seat, a shock absorbing front fork, and standard peddles; the only thing missing is a basket in front for hauling baguettes.
“Our plan has multiple phases; phase one has me staying in France three weeks per visit, a week with Nadia, a week on my own, and a final week back with Nadia before heading home. During week two when she has her kids, I drop by some random evening to get my bike, Nadia introduces me to her kids but once I’m gone makes sure they know there’s nothing going on between us; she’s just storing my stuff to help me out until I settle into a place of his own.
“On my next visit there’ll be some mechanical issue with her washing machine I volunteer to fix. I’ll recruit her son to help and once done, hang around to make sure I put everything back in proper order and it’s working. This gives us all a chance to interact and to repay my kindness, Nadia insists I stay for dinner where we get to know each other even better. After dinner I abruptly leave, and Nadia again assures her kids there is nothing going on between us.
“Phase three is where meat gets put on the bone; I come to collect my bike one Saturday morning just as Nadia and her kids are about to go for a ride in the country to have a picnic. Hopefully her kids invite me along but if not, Nadia does. Then, as kismet clamors to intersect fate, a romantic connection begins to emerge. We’re hopeful that by then her kids start to sense Nadia’s happiness and not only accept our budding relationship but, on some level, even encourage it. From there it’s a slow steady escalation; both our affection for each other and my integration into their dynamic.
“Somewhere in phase three the kids likely tell Nadia’s Ex about me, which I’m sure causes tension if not outright conflict. I’m okay either way, if a conversation’s required at some point, so be it; as long as it’s away from the kids. And just so we’re clear, when a cowboy says he’s gonna have a conversation, there’s not a whole lot of talking going on.”
ISABELLE: “Thank God it hasn’t come to that between Henry and my Ex, it wouldn’t end well for any of us. Henry’s all man for sure, but my Ex is psycho and I’m the one who’ll be left dealing with the aftermath. I don’t think having what you call a conversation is part of Henry’s character but it’s definitely in my Ex’s wheelhouse, which is one of the many reasons I love Henry.”
KYLE: “Nadia’s yet to pull the trigger on phase one; can’t really say why other than we seem to be taking a break. It’s not intentional, at least not on my end, just life temporarily taking each of us in different directions. I have my troubles and the rat bastard’s strategy seems to be death by a thousand cuts. Each time I think I’m crawling out from under their shit-show, they drop some unexpected something; not anything to end things, just the right amount of crap to wear me down. That’s how they win, beat me with procedural maneuvers until I’m emotionally, mentally, and financially depleted; it’s immoral and unethical but a solid way to win.
“Can’t really say about Nadia’s deal, some conflict with her Ex I imagine; it always comes down to that. Could be her kids cycling through another, “I hate You!” phase; they blame her for the family blowing up. They’re too young to understand a person doing what needs to be done; I keep telling Nadia they will someday and to give them the space they need to mourn the loss of their family. Her situation with her Ex is not unlike yours, to bring you up to speed. Bottom line is Nadia hasn’t given the go on “Operation Integration,” so I wait with growing impatience not really knowing where things stand.”
ISABELLE: “She just has a lot on her plate is all. Of course she loves you, I mean you guys have twenty plus years of cycling in and out of each other’s lives, and the thing is every time it seems like you’ll never see each other again, something somehow draws you back together and I find that amazing. Most people finish a relationship and that’s it, they move on only to keep the memories around to dust off every once in a while. You guys don’t seem to know how to say goodbye, so, you just need to give her some space to work through whatever distractions she’s dealing with.”
KYLE: “Nadia’s unlike every relationship I’ve known; I love her unafraid, which for me is unchartered waters. Maggie and Olivia got close, but even then, a part of me held back; can’t explain why, the easy answer is in case things don’t work out, but that’s no excuse. I might be tempted to say I knew they weren’t the one, but that’d be a lie because I fully believed each time, they were; that’s a weakness I can’t overcome. If you peel back the onion, hold a gun to my head, I’ll confess that before this current iteration with Nadia, I didn’t know what love was. On paper, there’s multiple reasons we’ll never make it work. We can just as easily argue I knew on some psychic level every previous relationship was doomed; in fact, they were, never for the same reason, but the train always leaves the same station.
“We can argue things didn’t work out because I wasn’t fully vested, and that it’d be correct, but it doesn’t address why. Even though Nadia and I are on an unofficial break, I still see the forever horizon when I think of her; there’s a magic in that, a mystery that is at times unsettling, but at the same time, filled with an overriding comfort things are gonna be okay and this is why in spite of all the setbacks, all the disappointments, and troubles, this is my year of being happy.”
