A Part of Me

A part of me
loves my life unconditionally,
even while wanting more.

A part of me
lives in hell,
but finds a bizarre comfort there.

A part of me
hopes to outlive my life.

A part of me
would trade this for that,
without even knowing the that.

A part of me
knows I lie to myself.

A part of me
will forever be a boy
. . . a part of me hopes.

A part of me
still dreams of being wealthy, 
but really,
I just don’t want to be poor.

A part of me
is always singing.

A part of me insensately wonders,
what would the real Jesus do.

A part of me
is a writer, romantic, thinker, and chef,
and a soul completely unsettled.

A part of me
is only at peace in the predawn darkness when
cold wind lulls my motorcycle daringly into
a sudden hairpin curve.

A part of me
long ago gave up,
but is still constantly rebuilding.

A part of me
likes to close my eyes and stop breathing
to better see the world and hear
wind’s many secrets.

A part of me
craves the stillness and calm
even though I never am.

A part of me
will always wonder why,
even though the search for answers can never end.

A part of me
misses the ones
I once held dear.

A part of me
keeps smiling and pretending
while waiting for the final moment.

A part of me
wants to again be that young man who
hiked half a day high into the mountains just
to lay under Aspen listening
to wind rustles through
as I forgetfully fall asleep with the sun warming my face.

A part of me
believes in the profoundness of morning
and the excitement of all things possible.

A part of me
wants to be here,
on some level, 
needs to be.

A part of me
accepts I am not worthy
or ready to receive Communion.

A part of me
thanks you every day
for the day you allow me to be a part of.

A part of me
is lost
not wanting to be found.

A part of me
constantly listens with worry for
another part of me to whisper what
I dare not hear.

A part of me
needs to suffer
even though
I don’t know why.

A part of me
has been here before,
but it may have been in a dream.

A part of me
is anxious all the time
. . . and unsettled.

A part of me
wants to be alone
even though I yearn for intimacy.

A part of me
longs to be loved,
while another part does not know how,
the rest of me fears this unknown.

A part of me
is fearless,
a part of me is fearful.
Most of me spends most my time
avoiding these two parts of me.

A part of me prays each day
that whatever caused you to not love me
will somehow be resolved in my favor
and you will once again
invite me back into your life.

A part of me
knows you know,
. . .have always known.

R. M. Dolin, 2017