From the R.M. Dolin novel, “The Dangling Conversation.”
Chapter 14: My Year of Being Happy
KYLE: “I’m not surprised, it’s obvious two miles in you’re not in shape; no century rides in your future that’s for sure. At least we made it to that Mom & Pop grocery store I’m always talking about, those peaches in the “Damaged Goods” bin justify the journey. If ya keep at it, the rides get better, probably hard to believe, even enjoyable. It’s not that I’m not sore, I’m just used to it; after a while you forget to focus on the suffering; kind of a metaphor for life really, we all suffer through shit while convincing ourselves everything’s peachy bueno. Mark that down as a wisp of wisdom.
“I have a floppy-eared Lab a few years back named Max; you’d have loved him, damn dog maxes out on good mood vibes. It’s contagious too; not possible being around all his exuberance without getting happy. He has a way of looking at you that’s motivational, like shouting, “Come on man! Get off your lazy ass already, life’s too short to be sitting on the sidelines.” Then he drops a grimy tennis ball at your feet in a way that’s clear he’s not relenting until it’s tossed at least a dozen more times. Every time I get my bike out for a ride, he starts his happy dance. I take him mountain biking, but ya can’t really road-ride with a dog. That means I usually finish my road rides with a hike to keep him from guilting me all day. Just so ya know, we only rode thirty miles, not enough to even break a sweat; not when you’re in shape anyway. A month from now you’ll be cruising over to our grocery story just to grab a snack.”
ISABELLE: “That’s not happening until after we’ve had a serious talk about bicycle seats. How they can’t make a seat that doesn’t hurt defies logic. The sadistic shits have either never ridden thirty miles or men are built way different than women. I am definitely down for another ride, but only after I can sit normal again. Regarding what we discussed, I forgave Henry’s whole “I Love You,” nonsense, but as you predicted, it backfired; now he doesn’t say anything tender. Can’t really blame him but it’d be nice. The closest he gets is saying he’s never been happier. I feel the same, but we’re nonetheless in this strange space, I mean what happens after the honeymoon phase and we’re left to deal with a real adult relationship? Henry’s reliably steady, which makes him a good bet long term. He has a calming way, when I’m being erratic, of gently smiling as he says he understands. What the hell does that even mean? I’m not some nut job needing white-glove treatment. I’ll admit to not handling the whole “I Love You,” thing well, but enough already, walking around on pins and needles isn’t good for either of us.
“He does make me happy, in fact, I’ve never been more comfortable or free to be me with anyone, so I need to cut him some slack. When I analyze the “this” and “that’s” of it all, I find myself forced to agree with you; I may have moved on from my Ex and found ways to be happy, but I’m still anchored to my past and that’s a whole lot of baggage to be dragging along as I attempt to float through the murky waters of life.”
KYLE: “The heart is made for long-term memories; Olivia still lingers like a cauldron of confused chaos covered in regret, on a bad day it’s caustic while good days promise cautious optimism. There’s no going back, but even memories of Maggie have their moments. And covering that, my troubles with the government quietly oscillate like a descending pendulum where every click convinces me being discredited isn’t enough to satiate the rat bastards; they won’t be satisfied until I’m dead or in some super secret prison. Against the backdrop of all that though, I’ve never been happier than I am right now. Nadia makes my world small, as if all that matters is her and I occupying the same small space. A person can only have so much taken before all that’s left, all that matters, is a lover’s tender touch and their soft whisper in your ear.
”After my unannounced trip to Versailles last year, things between us really take off. I’m not gonna lie, there are challenges with me living here and her in France, and all the complexities that come with a long distance relationship. We find ways to make it work though, one advantage is her dad fought against the French during the Algerian war for independence and wound up a prisoner. Afterwards, he opens a hotel/restaurant in the immigrant part of Paris while his family remains in Algiers. Nadia grows up with her parents apart for extended periods of time, so for her it’s quasi-normal. I go to Paris every six weeks to ensure we stay connected, but to be honest, it’s not really relationship building; more like treading water, waiting for our moment to be forever together.
“We find solace talking about a shared future; like our dream of buying a rundown millstone to renovate. What’s cool is the way our individual desires mesh; my only real want is that the house be in the country, or at least on the edge of town, and biking distance to a train station, which in France is pretty much any house. Nadia wants a large fireplace she can sit beside at night and a courtyard with fruit trees and garden, which pretty much describes every millstone ever built. We look in Normandy and Calvados, before expanding our search to central France. Each visit Nadia plans amazing excursions into the country; sometimes we walk along the coast for hours before eating fresh mussels at a seaside café. Other times we cycle through some forest to picnic beside a stream or to tour an old castle. The absolute best way to experience all the charms of France, is to find a French woman to be your guide. We visit landmarks where famous artist did iconic works, where important pieces of literature were created, or museums filled with the powerful essence of France and what it means to be French.
“I only stay a week because she has her kids on either side. During our week, the kids are with their dad and because Nadia lives in fear of her Ex finding out she’s dating or her kids, who don’t forgive her for the divorce, finding out she’s moved on, I must be invisible. This creates a strain that loiters just below the surface, hidden like the distance separating our time together. I’m not naïve, I see things for what they are, I just choose to pick past what I want to ignore. After all I’ve been through, I ought to know better but the thing is, Nadia’s charm causes me to caveat around what should be obvious. It’s like the old diesel pickup I keep at the cabin; it’s beat to hell and anything but pretty, yet she starts like a charm and never fails to bring me home so I can’t possibly let her go. I’m willing to wager all the reasons Nadia and I can’t last against even a chance it all works out. Cynics can call me a fool I don’t care; I courageously carry that banner.
“It’s not possible to describe what I feel for Nadia, she quiets my soul and puts my heart at peace; it’s like being fully satisfied after dinner with no need for dessert. I’m never not mesmerized by her magic, never not soften by her smile; her smile sweet Isabelle, is proof there’s a God. I know I’m talking nonsense, but it’s true so I don’t care. Cooking is her charm, she makes the most amazing meals, stuff I’ve never imagined, we’re talking gourmet cuisine; and the cutest damn thing is that each gastronomic delight is accompanied with a sorrowful apology for it being a disaster.”
ISABELLE: “I sometimes cook for Henry, or more precisely, try to. He kindly consumes every morsel while providing subtle innuendos about how his mom makes it different, which is man-speak for better. I’m not offended and don’t compete, but I still chasing a ghost. He keeps saying he’s going to introduce me, but never does. To be honest, I’m not sure I’m ready, it means something when a boy brings his girl home to meet mom. I certainly can’t judge, I haven’t even mentioned him to dad who thinks I need more time to center. I can’t disagree and it’s not like I was out there hunting for Henry, it’s more like we accidentally evolved.
“I can’t love unafraid like you, call it fault prevention or protective measures, it is what it is. Fool me once, shame on you, right? A girl’s gotta come at this different and it makes us cautious, at least I think so. Henry says love is war and in war there’s winners and losers and both sides get bloodied. It’s a barbaric way to describe something that’s supposed to be beautiful, but I get his point; he’s saying love is win-win until it’s lose-lose and there’s nothing in between. I don’t want to believe it’s that binary, but life hasn’t revealed any counterrevolutionary algorithms.”
KYLE: “Across the street and a few blocks up from Nadia’s apartment is an amazing forest where we take long walks in the evening. There’s so many trails zigzagging through dense tall trees we seldom find the same path twice. Nadia’s easily disorientated so I tease her every now and then for the direction home; she never knows, even when it’s fifty-fifty. Below her apartment maybe half-a-mile away are equestrian stables that have a forested hill out back chalked full of riding trails. We sometimes hike there just to reach the summit and look down at Versailles as the sun sets over the palace’s golden domes. We’ll sit for what seems like eternity without saying a word, just holding hands and taking in nature; it an amazing moment of mystery and magic made even more profound when she lays her head on my shoulder and lets her breath synchronize with mine.
“Our forest is one of the few places she loves unafraid. We hold hands, embrace warmly, even kiss when the moment’s right; stuff she’s terrified to do in public. She never says anything tender though, doesn’t say she needs me, won’t say she loves me, not once during all the years we’ve been a part of each other’s lives. She’s a bit strange when it comes to romance; maybe because she’s French I have an unfair expectation, but then again, she’s not really French so that’s probably not her deal.
“After doing her dirty all those years ago by stupidly ending our relationship, she and her sister post profiles on a dating site and they each marry the first man who responds. I don’t know how long they date but don’t think it’s sufficient to really know someone. Her sister’s still happily married even though he’s difficult to warm up to; luck of the draw I suppose. Nadia realizes early on she’s made a mistake and that makes her cautious about us, even after all our history; or because of it. I don’t pressure her, even though a little nudge now and then seems necessary. What I’ve learned, dear Isabelle, is love has a rhythm you have to respect. Yes, I love unafraid and without a safety net but I’m not like most, Nadia’s way more cautious and even though she doesn’t speak of love, everything about her says she feels it with a profoundness I’ve never before encountered.”
ISABELLE: “Henry talks about love, at least he used to until I shut him down. Now it doesn’t seem possible to rekindle that magical part of him. I know what I did is wrong, but like you said, ya gotta respect love’s rhythm and he was moving too fast. I was sure I felt the same, but once he said it, I found myself unable to say it back. You’re right not to pressure Nadia, when it’s right she’ll be ready. I just wish Henry could understand that.“
KYLE: “Things get going so well between Nadia and I we work up a plan to introduce me to her kids; nothing elaborate but symbolically huge, even if it’s gonna take a while to execute. It involves me staying in France three weeks during each visit. We’re still working through logistics; given my troubles and her constraints, it’s complicated but the goal is three weeks there with six week here. Nadia’s kids will be at their dad’s the week I arrive and the week I leave and during those weeks I’ll stay in her apartment where we’ll live like any other blissful couple. For the week in-between when her kids are with her, I need to make other arrangements.
“My plan is to rent a short-term apartment in Paris. It’s only a half-hour metro ride to Versailles, so we can easily find ways to be together; like having lunch, riding bikes, or taking a walk. We’ll go to the Palace and picnic in the gardens or cycle around the maze of intricately laid pathways. Most tourists overlook the acres of forested trails along pristine waterways and open fields of lush green grass; it’s the real beauty of Versailles. The hidden gem is Marie Antoinette’s personal residence; a walled off area containing a small castle and working farm. Nadia’s favorite place in all of Versailles is under a huge blue spruce inside the Antoinette compound where she can sit for hours. Sometimes, on afternoons when no one’s around, she’ll even steal a kiss and lay in my arms while I talk nonsense about nothing.
“Our afternoons at Versailles will be nothing short of magical, for one thing, it’s rarely crowded, except on Sunday’s when it seems the whole damn city turns out. It’s a very different vibe than Sunday’s in our park; sure families here come out to picnic but it lacks a sense of casual community. There people sit around talking, reading books, taking walks, or quietly playing games. Here it’s like some bizarre competition to see who can play the loudest damn music or cook the most freaking food; no one ever just enjoys a quiet glass of wine over relaxing conversation. We’re a country of loud noise and beer and I’m not really sure what that says about us. Sundays at Versailles are pastoral paintings while here it’s rock concerts combined with tailgating.
“You can cycle around Versailles all afternoon and not cover the entire place; just too many options. One evening, we’re cycling around and stop to rest along a waterway under a tall oak tree. After awhile we ride over to the Antoinette residence, but it’s closed. We don’t think much of it and ride over to this villa at the opposite end of the garden where the Prime Minister sometimes stays; only we get stopped by the French police who inform us the area is closed. We ask how to get out but they’re not sure and can’t leave their post because the Prime Minister’s on his way. We circumnavigate the entire garden looking for an exit that’s not locked and meanwhile, it’s starting to get dark and Nadia’s worried we may have to spend the night inside. I boldly reassure her that should it came to that, I’ll scale the tall rock wall to find food and wine; and of course, return with bread and cheese, it is, after all, France. As her panic mounts, we manage to find a grounds keeper with a key who agrees to let us out after a long lecture about park rules or something to that effect, who knows, I don’t speak French but given his stern voice and abrupt gestures I’m certain that’s the gist of it.”
ISABELLE: “Henry and I don’t have adventures. We go on hikes or to events, but nothing leaving your kind of lasting memories. It’s odd when you think about it, an adventure begins when things go wrong and nothing ever goes wrong. I don’t know if that’s good or bad; even Murray’s on his best behavior when we’re out and about. It is odd though, strangely odd that we’ve been together all these months and not one lasting adventure that remotely comes close to you and Nadia at Versailles.”
KYLE: “There’s multiple ways to extend my stays; I can rent an apartment, but that’s pretty pricey in Paris. Renting a room has logistical advantages, like having someone to talk to, only I don’t speak French, so there’s that. I decide to rent a “gite,” which is a little house usually behind someone’s main house. In New Mexico they’re called a casitas, or “mother-in-law-house.” I find one twenty kilometers from Nadia, which is less than an hour by bike. It’s near a forest with lots of trails so bike riding and jogging are awesome. The place is small but well built, it has a one room kitchen and living area on the main floor with a bedroom/bathroom loft; it’s all I really need. The bonus is there’s a courtyard for morning coffee and afternoon wine that seamlessly integrates with the adjoining forest providing a sense of wilderness isolation.
“The apartment’s two kilometers to a boulangerie, so an easy walk for morning croissants. The grocery store’s five clicks out so an easy bike ride. Like I said, the place is perfect and the owner’s a retired engineer so we have that simpatico. Nadia won’t visit though, says it’s scandalous; not really sure how that works, it’s okay I live at her apartment one week but scandalous to visit me at mine the next? No worries though, our secret rendezvous will be just as good on her terms.
“We’ll find ways to be together every day, even if it’s just for café or grocery shopping. We’ll talk for hours with an ease and simplicity that underlays the meaningful things discussed; never politics or religion mind you, more like art and philosophy – and our future together that always involves a house in the country. Not just any house, but the old millstone I told you about. Every time Nadia mentions the fireplace her eyes light up like a kid at Christmas; a fireplace and orchard, that’s all she needs. I like that millstones have incredible stone interiors, with massive, exposed beams on the ceilings and walls that are just spectacular. Plus, millstones are guaranteed to have a stream running alongside the house; how else can you turn the water wheel that churns the mill stones. I love the way French country kitchens are a prominent feature in these ancient structures; it captures how life should be lived.”
ISABELLE: “Henry and I once talked about houses but he’s noncommittal, not on the house itself, but on what it means. Seems he’s not long in any one place and for him houses are an treacherous anchor. He argues against home ownership from a financial perspective, you move when you have to, and that can catch you in the crossfire of buying high and selling low, which is not smart money management. I can argue all night from all sorts of angles how that makes no sense, but instead I never bring it up again. Having a house is important to me, I mean yeah, I’m living in an apartment with stacks of unpacked boxes, but we’ve already covered why. I don’t need a fireplace like Nadia, just time and space to unpack in a place that provides safety and security, and I’ll be happy.”
KYLE: “The plan for introducing me to her kids, for integrating into their lives, is simple and based on a convenient extension of fact. Nadia’s got a storage room in the basement of her apartment building she calls her cave, it’s where she stores luggage, seasonal things like Christmas decorations, and bicycles. Her son asks her one day while getting his bike out about the new bike and suitcase in the cave. Nadia, like most moms, is quick on her feet and tells him she’s storing them for a co-worker. I keep a suitcase in the cave for things I don’t necessarily need to be hauling back and forth with each visit, like a power converter, umbrella, cycling clothes, running gear, a sport coat, dress shoes; you get the idea.
“I absolutely love the bike I keep there, it’s the exact opposite of what I ride here. It’s a hybrid cross-over; part mountain bike, part commuter. I bought it used at a bike shop outside Versailles; it’s totally urban French with a big cushy seat, a shock absorbing front fork, and standard peddles; the only thing missing is a basket in front for carrying baguettes and a little bell to ring when passing pedestrians.
“Phase one of our plan has me staying in France three weeks per visit, a week with Nadia, a week on my own, and a final week back with her before heading home. During week two when she has her kids, I’ll drop by some random evening to collect my bike, Nadia will introduce me to her kids as a co-worker but once I’m gone she’ll make sure they know nothing’s going on between us; she’s just storing my stuff to help me out until I settle into a place of his own.
“On my next visit there’ll be some mechanical issue with her washing machine I volunteer to fix, which is my segue for getting acquainted with her kids. I’ll recruit her son to help and once done, hang around to ensure I put everything back in proper working order. This gives us all a chance to interact and to repay my kindness, Nadia will insist I stay for dinner where we get to know each other even more. After dinner I abruptly leave, and Nadia again assures her kids there’s nothing going on between us.
“Phase three is where we put a little meat on the bone; I come to collect my bike one Saturday morning just as Nadia and her kids are about to go for a ride in the country for a picnic. Hopefully her kids invite me along but if not, Nadia does. Then, as kismet clamors to intersect fate, a romantic connection begins to emerge. We’re hopeful by then her kids sense Nadia’s happiness and not only accept our budding relationship but, even encourage it. From there it’s a slow and steady escalation; both our affection for each other and my integration into their family dynamic.
“Somewhere in phase three the kids likely tell Nadia’s Ex about me, which I’m sure causes tension if not outright conflict. I’m okay either way, if a conversation’s required, so be it; as long as it’s away from the kids. And just so we’re clear, when a prairie cowboy says he’s gonna have a conversation, there’s not a lot of talking going on.”
ISABELLE: “Thank God it hasn’t come to that between Henry and my Ex, it wouldn’t end well for any of us. Henry’s all man for sure, but my Ex is psycho and I’m the one who’ll be left dealing with the aftermath. I don’t think having what you call a conversation is part of Henry’s character but it’s definitely in my Ex’s wheelhouse, which is one of the many reasons I love Henry and left my Ex.”
KYLE: “Nadia’s yet to pull the trigger on phase one; can’t really say why other than we seem to be taking a break. It’s not intentional, at least not on my end, just life temporarily propelling us along different trajectories. I have my troubles and the rat bastard’s strategy seems to be death by a thousand cuts. Each time I think I’m crawling out from under their shit-show, they drop some unexpected something; not anything to end things, just the right amount of crap to wear me down. That’s how they win, beat me with procedural maneuvers until I’m emotionally, mentally, and financially depleted; it’s immoral and unethical but a solid way to win.
“Can’t really say about Nadia’s deal, some conflict with her Ex I imagine; it always comes down to that. Could be her kids cycling through another, “I hate You!” phase; they blame her for the family blowing up. They’re too young to understand a person doing what needs to be done; I keep telling Nadia they’ll understand someday and to give them space to mourn the loss of their family. Her situation with her Ex is not unlike yours, to bring you up to speed. Bottom line is Nadia hasn’t given the go on “Operation Integration,” so I wait with growing impatience not really knowing where things stand.”
ISABELLE: “She just has a lot on her plate. Of course she loves you, I mean you guys have twenty plus years of cycling in and out of each other’s lives, and the thing is, every time it seems like you’ll never see each other again, something somehow draws you back together and I find that pretty damn awesome. Most people finish a relationship and that’s it, they move on only to keep the memories around to dust off every once in a while. You guys don’t know how to say goodbye, so, you just need to give her some space to work through whatever conflicts and distractions she’s dealing with.”
KYLE: “Nadia’s unlike other relationships; unlike any love I’ve ever known. Maggie and Olivia get close, as do others, but always, a part of me holds back; the easy reason is in case things don’t work out, but that’s no excuse. If I say I knew they weren’t the one, it’d be a lie because each time I fully believed they were that’s a weakness I can’t overcome. If you peel back the onion, hold a gun to my head, I’ll confess before this current iteration with Nadia, I didn’t know what love was, but I’m less than sure that’s true. If I put pencil to paper, I can list reasons it’ll never work just as easily as I can argue on some psychic level, I knew every previous relationship was doomed; in fact, they were, never for the same reason, but the train nonetheless always leaves the station with just one passenger.
“Maybe things didn’t work out in my previous relationships because I wasn’t fully invested, but even if it’s true, it doesn’t address why. Nadia and I may be on an unofficial break, but I still see forever horizons whenever thinking about her; there’s a magic in that, a mystery that is at times nervously unsettled, but at the same time, filled with an overriding comfort things are somehow gonna be okay. This is why in spite of all the setbacks, all the disappointments, all the challenges and troubles, this has been my year of being happy.”
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